Friday, February 27, 2009

Share the wealth!

Received this today:

Hello dear,

Greetings in the name of God my names is Mrs.Doris Matins Now
undergoing medical treatment here in Manuela Hospital Birmingham UK. I am married to Dr. Richard S. Martins. We were married for fifteen years without a child. Before his death he made a vow to use his wealth for the down trodden and the less privileged in the society. Since his death I decided not to re-marry or get a child outside my matrimonial home.

When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of five million six hundred thousand Euros (5,600,000) with a Finance firm presently, this money is still with the Finance House. Recently, my Doctor told me that I would not last for the next 45 days due to cancer problem. Though what disturbs me most is my stroke.

Having known my condition I decided to donate this fund to an individual or better still a God fearing person who will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct here in. I want an individual that will use this fund to provide succor to poor and indigent persons, orphanages, and widows and for propagating peace in the universe.

I understand that blessed is the hand that gives. I took this decision because I do not have any child that will inherit this money and my husband relatives are not inclined to helping poor persons and I do not want my husband's hard earned money to be misused or spent in the manner in which my late husband did not specify.

I do not want a situation where this money will be used in an ungodly manner, hence the reason for taking this bold decision. I am not afraid of death hence I know where I am going. I know that I am going to be in the bosom of the Almighty.

I do not need any telephone communication in this regard because of my health and because of the presence of my husband's relatives around me always.I do not want them to know about this development. With God all things are possible. As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contacts of my Attorney. I will also issue you a letter of authority that will empower you as the original beneficiary of this fund. I want you to always pray for me. My happiness is that I lived a life worthy of emulation. Whosoever that wants to serve the Almighty must serve him with all his heart and mind and always be prayerful all through your life.

Any delay in your reply will give me room in sourcing for an individual for this same purpose. Please assure me that you will act according to my specification herein. Herein are my photos for your perusal.

I await your correspondence to my private e-mail address mrsdoris_martins@ymail.com

Yours Sincerely
Mrs. Doris Martins



My response:


Dearest Doris, or may I call you "Angel-cakes"?

I have just this very moment regained my composure, wiped the tears from my one good eye and picked myself up from my now rather soggy prayer mat to craft a response to you. To be honest it is not really a prayer mat, it is actually the mat that my cat "Jesus" sleeps on, but it does have a big embroidered picture of Alan Moore on it(which I bought from a fan back in UKCAC in 91)and as he has a big beard and long hair similar to our Lord, I figured it would be OK to use as a place of religious kneeling.

At first I was thinking of just clasping my hands together in prayer to send a "God mail" placed on the wings of an heavenly angel - but even though God is omnipresent and listening to all his humble servants I feared he may accidentally send that spiritual response to the wrong Doris, as you have noted your last name as both Matins and Martins. So to save any possible confusion I felt email may be the better option.

Come to think about it, thank the Lord God above for providing us with email communication as with snail mail you may not have received my response quite in time- and have in fact already met your demise. But based on the 45 day mark that you have mentioned you have left on this sweet earth: you should receive this with plenty of time to spare. Thank the Lord the stroke has not left you completely disabled as you are still able to write such intelligent and articulate letters. Deo gratias arseais!!

"Blessed is the hand that gives." Well my hand is without doubt, BLESSED! It has for many years given me much pleasure on a rather regular basis therefore your rather generous gift could not be placed in hands any more worthy than mine. Sex ex tastical! Cum en faceia! Cun ny smet terribleia!

Praise the Lord!

I will do my utmost to make sure that your money is spent wisely and in a Godly fashion. The whoring, the gambling, the drinking, the Roman showers, the tea-bagging, the klismaphilia, the necrophilia, the coprophilia, the furry fandom, the teratopilia and the spaffing are long behind me now! I may treat myself to a "Dirty Sanchez" now and again, but hey - we are only human!

So please, please get in touch and lets get these balls rolling!

Ascendo tuum

Lubbert.

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Make sure you all send lovely Doris an email to wish her well! Make it pretty soon, because she'll be dead in 44 days.

1 comment:

Calvin's Canadian Cave of Cool said...

That is tooo funny. Let me know if you get the money. Not enough good people out there doing the Lord's work. Day 46...let the whoring begin!