Friday, July 10, 2009

My first death threat!

I found this placed on my office desk a few weeks back:



I was a little confused at first as it said "Do not open" on the lid even though it was obviously addressed to me and whomever had placed it there fully expected me to actually "open it"

But I soon realized that was probably just a ruse, an attempt orchestrated to raise my already growing paranoia and fear factor to a ten!

My mind raced.

To make matters worse, If you look closely you can also see that the individual(or individuals...) decided to not only underline my name to help emphasis the importance of this parcel but also rather unfairly called me a "douchebag!" Misspelt, I might add (could this mean he/she is an uneducated simpleton- God! That doesn't narrow it down much, as that factors in just about every storyboard artist I have ever met!!!)

Douche usually refers to vaginal irrigation, the rinsing of the vagina, but it can also refer to the rinsing of any body cavity. A douche bag is a piece of equipment for douching—a bag for holding the fluid used in douching. To avoid transferring intestinal bacteria into the vagina, the same bag must not be used for a vaginal douche and an enema.

Well that's just lovely!

I can assure you I have never been "used" or have acted in the manner of a douche!

...

And if for some reason I have; it was a long time ago, I was intoxicated and the pipe was forced down my throat by an Armenia dwarf(In fact in Amsterdam it was seen as a lighthearted way to spend your afternoon not unlike smoking a joint through a pancake whilst stroking the head of a pony)

So don't you judge me!...

When I finally mustered up the courage to open the parcel I was met with this horrifying and quite disturbing message!:



Good God in heaven!!

"Death"

Just take a look at the effort put into that artistic scrawl,this person(s)obviously really wanted to drive the message home. More frighteningly; it looks like it could be real blood!

Perhaps it is their own blood? Or perhaps a small animal was sacrificed to help accentuate and emblazon this demon scrawlers monstrous threat! Even the ripped paper seems to scream out with the violence that this individual(s) wants to perpetrate upon my person.

...

If you are reading this (and I assume you are, as there is a strong possibility that you are strangely obsessed with me!) The police have been informed and they are deep into their investigation, so it is only a matter of time before you are caught!
Then you'll be getting something inserted into your "in-box" preferably by a 300 pound tattooed bloke named "Fisty Martin!"

...

The in-box is your anus and yes his fist is well y'know- up it!?

That is why he is nicknamed "Fisty!" I think Martin is just his last name.

Just in case the metaphor didn't register...



I will keep you my loyal readers informed of any developments.

9 comments:

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

Lucky you...I pissed of at least 4 people a day and none of them have ever sent me death notes. I actually feel insulted by that...what makes your level of douchbaggery more deserving than my level. At least you got stalkers that actually give a shit and put in the effort to say they hate you. I need a better class of hater. Here's hoping he is REALLY theatrical and ramps up the whole issue. You gotten respect the effor if not the man.

rich johnson said...

Congrats!

Mark said...

You're originally from Norn Iron and this is your first death threat? 'Kin hell, I've received at least one-a-day for as long as I can remember.

Fluff said...

Awwww....bless, a death threat noob. Don't panic....it's not serious until they start leaving severed pig's heads on the bonnet of your car.

I have a good, reliable supplier, if he needs a contact.

You be safe, CL. And take heart....at least someone's thinking about you.

Angie said...

hmmm...that is very interesting...and disturbing...keep watching for clues...eek!

joe bloke said...

It wasn't me. I haven't posted mine yet.

The Igloo Keeper... said...

Serves you right for opening it. You can't say you weren't warned.

Johnny Darrell said...

Hmmm...Got yourself a real psychopath! I finally did an analysis on the blood and it is indeed blood, yet there's something strange. It's a combination of both blood and printer's ink. You know, KISS donated some of their blood to be mixed into the red ink for the printing of their Marvel KISS comic years back (I had an issue and remember that very well). If I were you, I'd let the police know that it's probably Gene Simmons or Paul Stanley. Peter Criss couldn't really care less about anything and Ace is almost retarded and spells "Death" "D-E-T-T-H".

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