Sunday, January 17, 2010

A bagful of umbrage

The dog shitting video got me thinking about other such fecal matters and pissing provocations, most of which I experienced on my recent trip to Ireland.

For one: I will no longer point and snigger at someone in Vancouver for picking up their dogs mound of steaming excrement in a little plastic bag and then placing it in their coat pocket. Well, apart from the old lady who sits on her honkers holding her little diamond studded black handbag just beneath her Labrador's ball-sack to catch its falling poopsicle. No; I feel I am fully entitled to stand across the road and shake my head in complete disbelief and utter horror at this woman's base and rather perverse actions. Even the dog appears to be somewhat disturbed by it all: Why a handbag? Why the kneeling? Why do you have to watch me shit, and more-so why the fu#ckin' hell are you smiling?

You see, nobody in Ireland picks up their dog-shit. The pavements are not unlike battlegrounds with varying types of shit-mines that you find yourself constantly trying to avoid. If you asked someone in Belfast or Dublin if they were planing on picking up that freshly baked chocolate truffle, they would either:
B)Throw the freshly laid turd at you (and laugh)
C)Ignore you and 'tut' like you where some sort of crazy person.
D)Tell you to f*ck off!
E)Set the dog in question on you.
F)Use your mouth as the collection bag.

Note to Irish city councils: Perhaps if you produce little collection bags that have various Irish celebrities or politicians imprinted on then i.e., the face of Brian Cowen, O'Dea, Pat Kenny, Bono or Sinead O'Conner to name but a few. That added incentive may actually help the dog owner to be a little more impassioned in regard to filling that bag with steaming hot shit. Make it fun! Add addresses to the bags and free postage (taxes need to go somewhere) so the said dog owner can then post their poop to a politician or celebrity of choice. Imagine the fun when thousands of shit mails land at the doorstep of Dáil Éireann or the thought of Pat Kenny opening his turgid turd mail over a morning coffee. Then not only will the shit be removed from the streets and parks of the city but will also find a welcome home where the stench will just blend into its natural surroundings.

It really is a win, win situation!

1 comment:

Jonathan the Zombie said...

Love the idea.

But, then again, I'm not an Irish postal worker.